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Dinner for none

The great and good gathered at the Guildhall last Tuesday for the Chartered Insurance Institute’s annual dinner, expecting a night of fine dining, networking and long speeches. The evening did not disappoint, except for the fine dining bit. In fact there was no food at all.

This was no brutal cost-cutting measure; rather, the Guildhall had had a gas leak. Locked out, hungry and all tuxedoed up, chief executives were strewn down the road like so many rejects at a James Bond audition.

But contingency plans soon kicked in – we’re dealing with consummate risk managers here. Before we knew it, we were in the ballroom of the institute with bucketloads of champagne but, sadly, still no food.

Rabid hunger set in as the speeches went on (and on – see above). But as soon as the formalities were over, the real fun began. The hot topics of conversation included whether Laurent Matras was putting on his French accent “for the ladies”; why EBITDA was an excellent measure of success, even if you’re breaching your banking covenants; whether Philippe Maso really wants to sell Bluefin or was just messing around. And of course, whether it would be quicker to nip to McDonald’s or phone for pizza.

That went down well

A roomful of tipsy, underfed chief executives is a tough crowd (see “Dinner for none”, below).

But there were cheers as well as jeers when Trevor Matthews, president of the Chartered Insurance Institute, rose to address the organisation’s hastily reconvened annual dinner.

The affable Aussie knew he was somewhat in the position of a wine waiter on the Titanic, but he delivered a memorable, funny speech from a balcony in the institute ballroom. And then he handed over to keynote speaker Ron Sandler, the government-appointed non-executive chairman of Northern Rock, who hadn’t judged the room half as well.

The charmless Sandler began by berating my friends in the press for escalating the financial crisis before reassuring the banking community that it had been poorly treated and forcing the room to acknowledge that not everybody in the industry was a villain with a six-figure bonus.

If the first rule of public speaking is to know your audience, the second must be that if you are giving a speech on a comedy balcony to a champagne-fuelled, rebellious audience, you should throw in a few gags. Or at the very least, trim your lengthy pre-prepared monologue.

The longer Sandler went on, the hotter the room got. The options become clear: either drink yet more champagne, catch somebody else’s eye and smile, watch Stuart Reid pull faces at Andy Homer, or simply lose consciousness due to heat exhaustion.

Eliot Spitzer, professor of ethics

What a difference a year makes. Last March the masters of the universe stifled their giggles as Eliot Spitzer, the governor of New York, was toppled by a prostitution scandal. These days, however, even Spitzer gets to have a go at AIG – first in a magazine column and then on US radio.

Of course Spitzer has previous with the firm: as state attorney-general, he accused it of deceptive accounting; the case was settled for $1.6 billion.

Today, it’s not the AIG bonuses that have riled Spitzer. According to The New York Times, he says what US taxpayers should be really angry about is that the insurer has been “shepherding billions in bailout money to its trading partners”. Thank goodness we have Eliot to tell us how to behave.

Fred and the Obama connection

Robert Peston, the BBC’s business editor, has been having some fun with the £703,000-a-year pension of Sir Fred Goodwin, ex-of RBS, and the potential for a legal challenge. In his blog, Peston points out that AIG is one of the bank’s directors’ and officers’ insurers. He writes: “The possibility that AIG could pick up some of the bill for Sir Fred’s pension ... would mean that US taxpayers, as represented by President Obama, would be helping to finance the most controversial pension in British corporate history.” Bad luck, Barack.

Duck for cover

It’s been a busy week on Facebook. Some of my friends were surprised to see their faces in last week’s magazine, (sorry, Paul Hartle), while others are clamouring to be next (Scott Wilkins, your time will come). The strangest friend request was from Gooner the Duck – an Arsenal-supporting plastic animal. I’m told Gooner is the alter ego of Biba’s Steve White. Has he gone quackers?

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